November 21, 2006

why it so hard

Posted in aging, depression, family, home, lovey, work at 11:38 pm by riseyp

  • to write well?
  • to concentrate on how I’m feeling and reacting, as opposed to obsessing about how everyone else is doing?
  • to react “appropriately” when others around me lose their shit?
  • to see my laptop’s screen?
  • (oh, did I mention that i wear BIFOCALS now? once again: OLD)

ugh. i think i just need to vent a bit.

yesterday, I had to deal with my anxiety-attack-tastic mother who was having a freakout over a plumber being “rude” to her. all i could think was “oh fuck. this is only going to get worse until the move. no, wait a minute, this is only going to get worse until she dies. fucking great.”

my dad didn’t help, either, of course. both of them are completely useless at dealing with the world most of the time. yesterday their helplessness irritated me so much, it was all I could do not to scream “shutthefuckupdontyourealizeiamsavingyoufromcertaindestitution sowhycantyoujustbereasonableandsaneforonceinyourlives andmakesomethingeasyformejustonceforfuckssake?”

which is always fun.

work and home life are also a real joy. not only is my job continuing not to live up to the title i’ve been given (my fault, i suppose) — it’s quite clear that my boyfriend is mourning the impending loss of his beloved city. i noticed a marked silence tonight as he slowly, dolefully wrapped each of his (vast collection of) plastic aliens in a paper towel, filling and stacking a pile of precisely-labeled, neat banker’s boxes in the long hallway near our door.

i suppose, however, it’s worth it because the house we are moving to is beautiful, peaceful, well-situated, graced with a fabulous garden, and a provides a palatable way to care for my crumbling parents.

oh, and we will be removing all contingencies first thing tomorrow. woo! hoo!

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