June 8, 2006

Confessions of a former Bridezilla

Posted in divorce, nostalgia, self-flagellation at 7:03 pm by Marise Phillips

Top Signs You Shouldn’t Marry “The One You’re With”

  • By the third time you have sex with this person, you ask yourself, “Is that it?”
  • When he asks if you’re bothered by his sexual dysfunctions, you immediately (and repeatedly) lie, “Of course not!”
  • You soon begin to have recurring, sexual dreams about all your favorite ex-boyfriends.
  • You crush on and daydream about other men with increasing frequency.
  • You’re afraid of losing weight, getting hit on, and not knowing whether you’d have the willpower to say no.
  • You don’t discuss any of this with your therapist.
  • Nevertheless, you’re about to turn thirty, so you hound him for an engagement ring. (your boyfriend, not your therapist!)
  • You drag him to estate jewelry stores, agree on a ring you like and he can afford, and are disappointed that he didn’t buy it the day you found it.
  • You get in a fight over when he’s going to propose, not knowing he’s already bought the ring and hidden it under the bed you are both sitting on during the fight.
  • He “finally” proposes during a weekend getaway/goodbye party for his best (lesbian, anti-marriage) friend, who tells you the next day that she dreamt your engagement ring was made of spikes.
  • You worry that you weren’t thin enough for the “day he proposed” pictures.
  • You worry that he wasn’t good-looking enough for the “day he proposed” pictures.
  • At a friend’s bachelorette party about a month after your engagement, you get so drunk that you dance on the bar and… um… hook up with a random stranger.
  • You try to hide this from all your friends who were there; of course, they all know, you know they all know, yet no one discusses it.
  • You lose so much weight between the engagement and wedding that you have to get the ring resized three times.
  • You obsess about the wedding plans and are so controlling of every detail, he has no idea what’s been planned and what hasn’t – and it gets to the point where you can tell: he knows better than to ask.
  • He shaves his goatee a bit too closely one day, and you begin to wonder, “Is it wrong to marry someone who looks um… no-so-good without facial hair?”
  • You hire a personal trainer so that you are in perfect shape for your big day, yet you look at him and wonder if he’s going to ever lose any weight — but of course you don’t dare say anything.
  • A week before the wedding, you burst into tears when you accidentally shut the car door on the fingers of your left hand, worrying: “The photos will be ruined!!!”
  • You drain $5,000 in savings and rack up over $10,000 in debt for the wedding, despite the fact his father pitched in $16,000 for it.
  • You can’t decide which friends to ask to be your bridesmaids, and so you end up with too many.
  • The one you definitely should not have asked is a fairly casual acquaintance, and clearly ends up resenting you for every penny she spends on the wedding, despite the fact you bought her bridesmaid’s dress for her.
  • She doesn’t get you a wedding gift.
  • She is one of the witnesses to your little “indiscretion” at the aforementioned bachelorette party.
  • You don’t enjoy much of your wedding day, and are disappointed in your bridesmaids for various things you expected them to do, but didn’t.
  • The sex is so strange and bad on your wedding night that you ask yourself, “What the fuck was I thinking??”
  • You’re bored during your honeymoon and have joyless, obligatory sex maybe two or three times in two weeks.
  • Months later, you continue to obsess about details of the wedding that weren’t “just right:” e.g. people who didn’t RSVP or who failed to show up, the disappointing taste and design of the wedding cake, the prematurely-lit floating candles that burned out too soon…
  • Less than three years later, you begin to obsessively fantasize about your husband meeting a tragic, untimely death.
  • You have absolutely nothing against him except for one tiny detail… he’s not the one you should have married.

1 Comment »

  1. […] Although this post might suggest otherwise, I wasn’t more than vaguely conscious of any unhappiness regarding my marriage at this point in time. Instead, I was focusing a big chunk of my waking thoughts on getting pregnant. As I do with all new obsessions, I bought every book I could find on the subject and spent a large portion of my free time digesting all the information available to me as woman in her mid-thirties who’d been trying for over a year to conceive. […]

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