Top Signs You Shouldn’t Marry “The One You’re With”

• By the third time you have sex with this person, you ask yourself, “Is that it?”
• When he asks if you’re bothered by his sexual dysfunctions, you immediately (and repeatedly) lie, “Of course not!”
• You soon begin to have recurring, sexual dreams about all your favorite ex-boyfriends.
• You crush on and daydream about other men with increasing frequency.
• You’re afraid of losing weight, getting hit on, and not knowing whether you’d have the willpower to say no.
• You don’t discuss any of this with your therapist.
• Nevertheless, you’re about to turn thirty, so you hound him for an engagement ring. (your boyfriend, not your therapist!)
• You drag him to estate jewelry stores, agree on a ring you like and he can afford, and are disappointed that he didn’t buy it the day you found it.
• You get in a fight over when he’s going to propose, not knowing he’s already bought the ring and hidden it under the bed you are both sitting on during the fight.
• He “finally” proposes during a weekend getaway/goodbye party for his best (lesbian, anti-marriage) friend, who tells you the next day that she dreamt your engagement ring was made of spikes.
• You worry that you weren’t thin enough for the “day he proposed” pictures.
• You worry that he wasn’t good-looking enough for the “day he proposed” pictures.
• At a friend’s bachelorette party about a month after your engagement, you get so drunk that you dance on the bar and… um… hook up with a random stranger.
• You try to hide this from all your friends who were there; of course, they all know, you know they all know, yet no one discusses it.
• You lose so much weight between the engagement and wedding that you have to get the ring resized three times.
• You obsess about the wedding plans and are so controlling of every detail, he has no idea what’s been planned and what hasn’t – and it gets to the point where you can tell: he knows better than to ask.
• He shaves his goatee a bit too closely one day, and you begin to wonder, “Is it wrong to marry someone who looks um… no-so-good without facial hair?”
• You hire a personal trainer so that you are in perfect shape for your big day, yet you look at him and wonder if he’s going to ever lose any weight — but of course you don’t dare say anything.
• A week before the wedding, you burst into tears when you accidentally shut the car door on the fingers of your left hand, worrying: “The photos will be ruined!!!”
• You drain $5,000 in savings and rack up over $10,000 in debt for the wedding, despite the fact his father pitched in $16,000 for it.
• You can’t decide which friends to ask to be your bridesmaids, and so you end up with too many.
• The one you definitely should not have asked is a fairly casual acquaintance, and clearly ends up resenting you for every penny she spends on the wedding, despite the fact you bought her bridesmaid’s dress for her.
• She doesn’t get you a wedding gift.
• She is one of the witnesses to your little “indiscretion” at the aforementioned bachelorette party.
• You don’t enjoy much of your wedding day, and are disappointed in your bridesmaids for various things you expected them to do, but didn’t.
• The sex is so strange and bad on your wedding night that you ask yourself, “What the fuck was I thinking??”
• You’re bored during your honeymoon and have joyless, obligatory sex maybe two or three times in two weeks.
• Months later, you continue to obsess about details of the wedding that weren’t “just right:” e.g. people who didn’t RSVP or who failed to show up, the disappointing taste and design of the wedding cake, the prematurely-lit floating candles that burned out too soon…
• Less than three years later, you begin to obsessively fantasize about your husband meeting a tragic, untimely death.
• You have absolutely nothing against him except for one tiny detail… he’s not the one you should have married.